I had an interesting comment ( one of my first : ) ) from a slave of 11 years on yesterday's post. The lady felt that where |I was going wrong was that I was putting myself and my needs first before my masters.
The fundamental dynamic that makes a slave a slave is that she puts her masters needs before her own. I respect someones opinion of 11 years and although she does not know my every day routine, past or emotional issues I am sure she can make a sound judgement from my posts.
The thing is I think my masochistic urges have taken over the last few weeks, and this has made me very irritable as they are not getting fixed so to speak. However as the lady said if I am not meeting my master's needs,then he will not meet mine.
I have felt very destructive and highly insecure, an online friend I have on Fetlife suggested that the traits of a submissive are often confused in America ( where he is from ) with the symptoms of Boarder line personality disorder. The defining character trait of BPD, is a sense of abandonment and issues with relationships... spot on! Now this is just a theory and a pattern he had seen with his submissives's and now his slave.
I am not sure how I can handle these emotions but my friend reassured me that the M/s relationship is good for a person with these character traits when they feel safe and secure. The character traits or issues I am having are getting in the way of my relationship!
Why do|I push people away!! grrrrrrr Its not easy being a slave sometimes, I can think Im doing so well and then bang! something happens and I lose focus...
Advise please people.... keep it coming, I love feedback.
Anyway on a positive note the healthy living is going great. I made fish last night with asparagus and a Quinoa salad with bean shoots, feta, tomato, parsley, lemon, bell pepper and olives. I am also changing our lunches to ensure no processed meats are being consumed ( started this a few weeks ago ) breakfast is muesli ( no sugar ) with fruit, and snacks are things like oats crackers and peanut butter. There is so much hidden sugar and crap in meats, condiments and soft drinks. I drink coffee now once a week, rather than every day and Master doesnt take coffee with him to work any way.
The aim is plenty of superfoods, organic only with chicken, salad leafs, potatoes, no processed foods like margarine or 'fake lowfat foods' minimum amounts of unrefined sugar like molasses or honey and no 'white' carbs.
Currently I am doing around 5 hours of house cleaning with a local company 4-5 days a week and then I do my own chores so I need to eat quite high energy snack like nuts and bananas that I probably wouldn't have eaten sitting at a desk all day as its not needed.
Exercise wise we went for a long walk in the country side at the weekend and are both including an exercise routine into our week every other day, with a view to join the gym in a month. In fact I must do my routine now! Financially things are a struggle, there have been a few events within our local bdsm scene that we have had to miss, but Master had a new job interview Friday and we will hear this week if he has a second, this could change our life in a big way! fingers crossed : )
Monday 1 July 2013
Saturday 29 June 2013
A Week On...
So last weekend was difficult as you can see from the last post, a friend's birthday resulted in a very drunken night which saw me and Sir having the most almighty row.
Today is Sunday, and in the last week I have not touched a drip of Alcohol and I have started a new cleaning job, and no kink.....hmmmm I'm actually debating whether to continue this blog.
I have made some big decisions this week, I have decided I have a problem with drink, not with the quantities or when or how I drink, but with how I rely on it and how it makes me feel. I am also seriously looking to address my body issues and stick to an exercise regime, despite the fact I'm cleaning for 4-5 hours a day I should become pretty fit and very fast!
I need a goal and something to focus on.
The way Sir and I conduct our everyday life, the way I respect and respond to him to me is clearly a power exchange relationship naturally. However I am coming to accept that perhaps what I am craving or hoping for may never happen as regularly as I want it, and maybe that's ok.
Although you may say its not about what I want, this is my place to express how I feel so bullshit!
I trust that he knows whats best for me and perhaps punishments and S&M as part of my everyday life is not the right way.
There are so many great things about my relationship and there are so many ways I love him I think that overrides anything else. Towards the beginning of the week we made love Sun, Mon and Tues and it was amazing, then as my tiredness from the new job kicked in the rest of the week nothing much happened.
I suppose maybe I was more forthcoming on those days? I certainly still wanted it on the days I was tired.
I am questioning as usual : )
Did I question whether making love could have turned into something more kinky? yes.
There was a moment when he leaned his hand over my neck and I hoped so much....I do think I'm being punished at times, Its really hard to be confident when there is this part of you that feels like its going to explode.
Perhaps If I could ask for what I want my life would be so much easier but I cant.
Whether that's right or wrong I need to be led in that sense by the other person, and if they don't want to do that, if they don't feel they want to, then that's the way it has to be.
I don't want this from anyone else.
Therefore If I cant have it from him,then I am fine having it every now and then. I hope the pain I feel from exercise will suffice ; )
Besides house keeping is pretty degrading at times,that fills a void. I don't think I am very attractive to him at the moment, he says I am, but I hope I can spark his interest in me again.
Now I am towards the end of my post, I think I will continue with this blog,
I need somewhere to write my feelings down. I am tired of this pain.
I will focus on making myself happy and appreciating what I have in the guidance and love he gives me every day.
Today is Sunday, and in the last week I have not touched a drip of Alcohol and I have started a new cleaning job, and no kink.....hmmmm I'm actually debating whether to continue this blog.
I have made some big decisions this week, I have decided I have a problem with drink, not with the quantities or when or how I drink, but with how I rely on it and how it makes me feel. I am also seriously looking to address my body issues and stick to an exercise regime, despite the fact I'm cleaning for 4-5 hours a day I should become pretty fit and very fast!
I need a goal and something to focus on.
The way Sir and I conduct our everyday life, the way I respect and respond to him to me is clearly a power exchange relationship naturally. However I am coming to accept that perhaps what I am craving or hoping for may never happen as regularly as I want it, and maybe that's ok.
Although you may say its not about what I want, this is my place to express how I feel so bullshit!
I trust that he knows whats best for me and perhaps punishments and S&M as part of my everyday life is not the right way.
There are so many great things about my relationship and there are so many ways I love him I think that overrides anything else. Towards the beginning of the week we made love Sun, Mon and Tues and it was amazing, then as my tiredness from the new job kicked in the rest of the week nothing much happened.
I suppose maybe I was more forthcoming on those days? I certainly still wanted it on the days I was tired.
I am questioning as usual : )
Did I question whether making love could have turned into something more kinky? yes.
There was a moment when he leaned his hand over my neck and I hoped so much....I do think I'm being punished at times, Its really hard to be confident when there is this part of you that feels like its going to explode.
Perhaps If I could ask for what I want my life would be so much easier but I cant.
Whether that's right or wrong I need to be led in that sense by the other person, and if they don't want to do that, if they don't feel they want to, then that's the way it has to be.
I don't want this from anyone else.
Therefore If I cant have it from him,then I am fine having it every now and then. I hope the pain I feel from exercise will suffice ; )
Besides house keeping is pretty degrading at times,that fills a void. I don't think I am very attractive to him at the moment, he says I am, but I hope I can spark his interest in me again.
Now I am towards the end of my post, I think I will continue with this blog,
I need somewhere to write my feelings down. I am tired of this pain.
I will focus on making myself happy and appreciating what I have in the guidance and love he gives me every day.
Saturday 22 June 2013
Untitled
Really hard to write when I feel like this, to sum up... Im feeling self-destructive.
When I get like it, it scares me.
So since the last post I got the cleaning job : ) and start on Tuesday, Sir has an interview for a new really good job this Friday, we got a cheque from the tax office,had a lovely dinner on Thursday night at one of my favorite places to eat etc etc, all good news.
However Ive had massive feelings of emptiness, Ive been drinking far too much, smoked 2 days in a row, Ive been erratically eating ( with urges to make myself sick, but I haven't ) Part of our rules are that I now decide when I drink, it doesn't work. I have been trying to exercise, but the scales dont look good, and I desperately want to lose a 1.5 stones. Sometimes I dont know how to be kind to myself, im losing interest in making myself look nice. The only release I got was the cleaning trial on Thursday which was pretty tough but cleared my mind for a few hours. There is something very cathartic about cleaning toilets.
I feel that although Sir is tired after work there is a definite shift in how often he initiates sex, now I imagine that is due to my body language? but of course I am telling myself he is going off me and Im unattractive, everything has been so normal.
The last time we 'played' properly was the start of May, when I was left with quite severe bruising, I raised this subject and he said that he felt I had found it all quite intense and wanted to wait etc. My heart sank. I thought I could submit to when he wanted to do things, how he wanted to 'Play' and when, but the way ive been the last two weeks tells me otherwise. On the surface ive been happy but deep deep down ive been craving more. I guess Im a masochist, Im not very good at looking after myself, the pain inside just becomes too much and there's nowhere for it to go. I imagine being with a sadist would constantly challenge me, make me feel loved and useful, like yin and yang. I know what im saying is wrong, im not being grateful enough, im not being accepting, but I feel unloved, and not understood.
I fear this is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own mind, in a way being in a constant state of yearning, frustration, and feeling let down is normal and comforting. I have tastes of the opposite, little spells of freedom, they are so few and far between its like torture.
I want to stand in a field and scream for a long long time.
I want to run along a cliff till I cant feel my legs anymore
I want to smoke so many ciggerettes my throat swells up
I want to eat a loaf of bread and butter and vomit till I cry
I want to be high on drugs and dance all night till I pass out
I want to feel invincible
I want to be cained so much that I dont feel the pain any more
I want to live a life where my partner forces me to have sex alot.
I want to feel dizzy trying to keep up with someones thoughts, words and actions
I want to feel my bones
I want to be 22, so there are years till I am supposed to have children
I want to be the centre of attention in the room, it doesnt have to be for the right reasons
I want to be absolutely amazing at just one thing.
Indifference scares me, certain ways Ive behaved recently would have provoked an angry reaction in Sir or he would look hurt.... nothing, he didnt seem to be bothered.
Now ofcourse I am sure this is very unfair, my feelings are unfair, its all distorted. However I have to ask myself if someone can see a solution of what you need as a person, if they claim to understand you, If you are supposed to hand over control to them, why do they not give it too you?
Is this the mental torture that is good for me?
Am I not obedient enough for you so I dont deserve the kind of life I want.
Have I not expressed to you enough my issues with 'vanilla sex'
Have I not proved to you im fucked up enough, without adding to it.
Do you enjoy hurting me? if not what are we doing?
I NEED A RELEASE
BUT I NEED TO KNOW MY RELEASE IS YOUR RELEASE
I am supposed to be your release, if you are stressed or wound up can you not take it out on me through play? no but its not the right time for me is it.
I have a new job to start
I have period pains
Ive been upset
There has been a change in our routine
We are tired
I have been drinking ..... the list goes on.
To feel hassled would be a wonderful thing.
To wake up to feel hands round my neck or securing my wrists,
To be pulled away from my glass of wine and told to stay in the corner or realizing he had plans
To be punished physically for every cross word I made.
To have regular hard spankings that he craved and fantatsissed about
To be a muse for his imagination and the sadistic things he wanted to do
To see a rule be monitored and checked upon daily even just for 1 week
To see the fever in his eyes
To be his project
To be be his hobby
For him to realize that not one persons way of feeling loved is different to anothers.
When I do things domestically for him he is happy ( but he would expect that anyway ), he likes his lunch been made every day, he likes tea been offered without having to ask, he prefers not to have to decide what to have for dinner, he doesn't like washing left out and likes things folded neatly, he likes it when i ask permission to arrange anything we do
When I obey him he is happy
When I come to him and show him affection he is happy
When I give him blow jobs he is happy.
When we make love he is happy.
When I remember to greet him at the door he is happy
I guess I need to work on these things then dont I.
When I get like it, it scares me.
So since the last post I got the cleaning job : ) and start on Tuesday, Sir has an interview for a new really good job this Friday, we got a cheque from the tax office,had a lovely dinner on Thursday night at one of my favorite places to eat etc etc, all good news.
However Ive had massive feelings of emptiness, Ive been drinking far too much, smoked 2 days in a row, Ive been erratically eating ( with urges to make myself sick, but I haven't ) Part of our rules are that I now decide when I drink, it doesn't work. I have been trying to exercise, but the scales dont look good, and I desperately want to lose a 1.5 stones. Sometimes I dont know how to be kind to myself, im losing interest in making myself look nice. The only release I got was the cleaning trial on Thursday which was pretty tough but cleared my mind for a few hours. There is something very cathartic about cleaning toilets.
I feel that although Sir is tired after work there is a definite shift in how often he initiates sex, now I imagine that is due to my body language? but of course I am telling myself he is going off me and Im unattractive, everything has been so normal.
The last time we 'played' properly was the start of May, when I was left with quite severe bruising, I raised this subject and he said that he felt I had found it all quite intense and wanted to wait etc. My heart sank. I thought I could submit to when he wanted to do things, how he wanted to 'Play' and when, but the way ive been the last two weeks tells me otherwise. On the surface ive been happy but deep deep down ive been craving more. I guess Im a masochist, Im not very good at looking after myself, the pain inside just becomes too much and there's nowhere for it to go. I imagine being with a sadist would constantly challenge me, make me feel loved and useful, like yin and yang. I know what im saying is wrong, im not being grateful enough, im not being accepting, but I feel unloved, and not understood.
I fear this is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own mind, in a way being in a constant state of yearning, frustration, and feeling let down is normal and comforting. I have tastes of the opposite, little spells of freedom, they are so few and far between its like torture.
I want to stand in a field and scream for a long long time.
I want to run along a cliff till I cant feel my legs anymore
I want to smoke so many ciggerettes my throat swells up
I want to eat a loaf of bread and butter and vomit till I cry
I want to be high on drugs and dance all night till I pass out
I want to feel invincible
I want to be cained so much that I dont feel the pain any more
I want to live a life where my partner forces me to have sex alot.
I want to feel dizzy trying to keep up with someones thoughts, words and actions
I want to feel my bones
I want to be 22, so there are years till I am supposed to have children
I want to be the centre of attention in the room, it doesnt have to be for the right reasons
I want to be absolutely amazing at just one thing.
Indifference scares me, certain ways Ive behaved recently would have provoked an angry reaction in Sir or he would look hurt.... nothing, he didnt seem to be bothered.
Now ofcourse I am sure this is very unfair, my feelings are unfair, its all distorted. However I have to ask myself if someone can see a solution of what you need as a person, if they claim to understand you, If you are supposed to hand over control to them, why do they not give it too you?
Is this the mental torture that is good for me?
Am I not obedient enough for you so I dont deserve the kind of life I want.
Have I not expressed to you enough my issues with 'vanilla sex'
Have I not proved to you im fucked up enough, without adding to it.
Do you enjoy hurting me? if not what are we doing?
I NEED A RELEASE
BUT I NEED TO KNOW MY RELEASE IS YOUR RELEASE
I am supposed to be your release, if you are stressed or wound up can you not take it out on me through play? no but its not the right time for me is it.
I have a new job to start
I have period pains
Ive been upset
There has been a change in our routine
We are tired
I have been drinking ..... the list goes on.
To feel hassled would be a wonderful thing.
To wake up to feel hands round my neck or securing my wrists,
To be pulled away from my glass of wine and told to stay in the corner or realizing he had plans
To be punished physically for every cross word I made.
To have regular hard spankings that he craved and fantatsissed about
To be a muse for his imagination and the sadistic things he wanted to do
To see a rule be monitored and checked upon daily even just for 1 week
To see the fever in his eyes
To be his project
To be be his hobby
For him to realize that not one persons way of feeling loved is different to anothers.
When I do things domestically for him he is happy ( but he would expect that anyway ), he likes his lunch been made every day, he likes tea been offered without having to ask, he prefers not to have to decide what to have for dinner, he doesn't like washing left out and likes things folded neatly, he likes it when i ask permission to arrange anything we do
When I obey him he is happy
When I come to him and show him affection he is happy
When I give him blow jobs he is happy.
When we make love he is happy.
When I remember to greet him at the door he is happy
I guess I need to work on these things then dont I.
Tuesday 18 June 2013
Something new
Today I went for a coffee with a lady who runs a cleaning business locally, I was quite nervous as I am meeting strangers. However she was lovely! really down to earth and professional, not at all like other experiences I have had in the past! Cleaning is something I have decided I want to do, my work history is office based which I hated and Im lucky to have been given the opportunity by Master to allow me to do this. The company is eco-friendly, there is holiday pay and everything goes through 'paye' rather than being cash in hand which I prefer.
My parents are telling this is beneath me, please! I hated my career, I enjoy cleaning,its a very physical job, Im away from a computer, and it allows me to serve and be domesticated : ) Is it not more important to be happy and true to yourself, rather than constantly pushing yourself to live a lie? Now I can also feel I am contributing financially, and although it will be a little more tiring to juggle things I'm sure I will manage fine. I have put down to work 4 days, so my spare day can be spent cleaning and organizing things here, planning our meals, then the weekend we can enjoy. I can ask Master if I can have half an hour in the evening to do my blog as I think doing it in the morning will be too much, lunches will have to be made the night before too.
Apart from that It will be great to have extra money to go places at the weekend : )
Master sent me a message to delete the few rules that have not been enforced ( there were 3 ) that I mentioned in yesterdays post and he is going to replace them tonight... should be interesting.
My parents are telling this is beneath me, please! I hated my career, I enjoy cleaning,its a very physical job, Im away from a computer, and it allows me to serve and be domesticated : ) Is it not more important to be happy and true to yourself, rather than constantly pushing yourself to live a lie? Now I can also feel I am contributing financially, and although it will be a little more tiring to juggle things I'm sure I will manage fine. I have put down to work 4 days, so my spare day can be spent cleaning and organizing things here, planning our meals, then the weekend we can enjoy. I can ask Master if I can have half an hour in the evening to do my blog as I think doing it in the morning will be too much, lunches will have to be made the night before too.
Apart from that It will be great to have extra money to go places at the weekend : )
Master sent me a message to delete the few rules that have not been enforced ( there were 3 ) that I mentioned in yesterdays post and he is going to replace them tonight... should be interesting.
Monday 17 June 2013
A long way to go.....
I have also decided to get back on the low carb diet this week ( Atkins phase two, but no crappy sweeteners, processed meats, etc ) so far so good, hopefully I wont feel too dizzy, this always seems to happen at first. Although I have a far better body image than once upon a time, I feel its important as a slave to look your body and mind as after all I am Master's property. I will type out the exercises master gives me tomorrow and put them on this blog : )
I have also been asked today to review the rules I have, and look at any we dont follow and if i was asked to do them why it would please master.Most we follow, however the ones I have identified that we dont are
I do not ask permission to leave the table after eating
I do not always ask permission to do something ( however mostly I say 'is it ok if i .......
I dont offer a back or foot massage, I wait to be asked.
I often walk ahead of Master in the supermarket
I often swear
The back and foot massage is obvious as this is something he would enjoy, the asking permission is a way of me showing my respect, as is not walking ahead of him in public in anyway and swearing..I hope this is what he meant? maybe hes going to change them? We shall see. I think I still have along way to go in learning how to serve and be obedient, but I am definitely getting better every day.
Sunday 16 June 2013
Your tears
Your tears, drops of perfect crystal dew,
Full of innocence and beauty
Raw like tiny blades across your delicate cheeks
Opening up your secret wounds
Saturday 15 June 2013
The last few days....
Over the last 3 days there has been a lot of discussion about the future, when we will have a baby, what I will do for a living, where we will live. There is always talk about the future and although it can be daunting, we agreed that once Master finds out what is salary will become in 2 months time ( once he gets taken on by his company from the recruitment agency ) I should be ok to come off the pill, and start trying for a baby! : )
The most important aspect of my life at the moment is my relationship with my Master as I only feel I can flourish as a person in this dynamic. Although deep down I know it is who we are and it will never disappear there is a fear of failure. I feel very safe being a 'slave' and I dont want it to ever go.
After discussing my progress on Friday night ( in the sun with a nice glass of wine : ) ... I can be a spoilt slave at times.. ha ha ) Master says I am doing very well but we agreed I need to increase my exercise levels and also he is concerned about processed foods in his diet. I feel we eat quite healthy,all meals are made from scratch, however I use processed ham in his sandwiches. I have brought chicken breasts, salad, wholemeal wraps and organic sugar free mayonnaise,so with a bit more effort that should work better for him.
Master took me for lunch yesterday at this really nice gastro pub near us, and I chose a really nice homemade burger with salad, mushrooms and all kinds of things inside! I wouldn't typically choose this as its quite messy! I have never been good at eating in public. Years ago I used to get very bad panic attacks, and as the pub was quite busy I could feel one coming on just from trying to eat 'messy food'. I really do care what people think far too much, and it sparked an interesting conversation about how I feel I am beneath people at times, and how master clearly doesn't give a shit what people think. The conclusion was that its ok to be that personality type with Master, I dont always have to 'pretend' and be strong.
The reality of the situation was I dealt with the panic attack quickly, I actually eat in public now! and I am generally far happier and more confident than I was.
I have been trying to find more girls in an M/s relationship to chat to on my Fetlife, the social networking site. Should anyone be reading this who is new to the scene, joining Fetlife! its like fetish facebook but is great for finding out about your local scene. However there are far more 'slaves' in the US so if there are any UK slaves reading my blog send me a message and say hi, and of course any others too are also welcome.
The most important aspect of my life at the moment is my relationship with my Master as I only feel I can flourish as a person in this dynamic. Although deep down I know it is who we are and it will never disappear there is a fear of failure. I feel very safe being a 'slave' and I dont want it to ever go.
After discussing my progress on Friday night ( in the sun with a nice glass of wine : ) ... I can be a spoilt slave at times.. ha ha ) Master says I am doing very well but we agreed I need to increase my exercise levels and also he is concerned about processed foods in his diet. I feel we eat quite healthy,all meals are made from scratch, however I use processed ham in his sandwiches. I have brought chicken breasts, salad, wholemeal wraps and organic sugar free mayonnaise,so with a bit more effort that should work better for him.
Master took me for lunch yesterday at this really nice gastro pub near us, and I chose a really nice homemade burger with salad, mushrooms and all kinds of things inside! I wouldn't typically choose this as its quite messy! I have never been good at eating in public. Years ago I used to get very bad panic attacks, and as the pub was quite busy I could feel one coming on just from trying to eat 'messy food'. I really do care what people think far too much, and it sparked an interesting conversation about how I feel I am beneath people at times, and how master clearly doesn't give a shit what people think. The conclusion was that its ok to be that personality type with Master, I dont always have to 'pretend' and be strong.
The reality of the situation was I dealt with the panic attack quickly, I actually eat in public now! and I am generally far happier and more confident than I was.
I have been trying to find more girls in an M/s relationship to chat to on my Fetlife, the social networking site. Should anyone be reading this who is new to the scene, joining Fetlife! its like fetish facebook but is great for finding out about your local scene. However there are far more 'slaves' in the US so if there are any UK slaves reading my blog send me a message and say hi, and of course any others too are also welcome.
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